The weaning process has finally started. Honestly, I didn't think I'd ever see the day. I've been talking about it for the last five months, complaining, pretending like I've started, assuring my husband that I've 'barely' nursed and on and on. The truth is, weaning was a complete mystery to me and I don't know that I wanted to wean. Okay, I know I didn't want to wean. Not because I wanted to nurse forever. Though the weight benefits are not to be discounted. I simply enjoyed the moments spent cuddling and connecting with my little guy. However, some side effects of pregnancy make nursing incredibly painful and for the first time Judah took a bottle. It's interesting that when he was four months old and only wanted a bottle I had an absolute fit and banned them completely, now that he's older I'm forcing them on him like a bad prom date.
I don't know if my child is high maintenance or I'm just a total enabler, but the only way I can get milk into him is to sweeten it with a little agave nectar and vanilla. Ah, to be the first born.
We're taking this time to also transition Judah out of our bed. Another thing I can't say I feel is as necessary as my husband does, but that's one of the good things about having someone pressure you a little. It forces you to do things you wouldn't always choose, even knowing they're the best.
Monday night, was the first evening I planned to not nurse all night if possible and therefore we decided to leave Judah in his bed, rather than move him to ours when we went to sleep. Yes, I know. I wouldn't wait for him to wake, I'd just automatically put him in my bed. I decided that I'd sleep on the floor the first night, just to make sure everything went okay. My husband being the sweetie he is chose to join me. I didn't realize the luxury of sleeping with my nursing boy until he woke every three hours and I'd give him a bottle and rock him back to sleep, then crawl back on the hard floor. Do you realize the joys of parenting yet? I couldn't believe Tuesday morning when he'd made it all night and hadn't nursed once. My baby boy was growing up. Which I hate and I love, a little.
Enter Tuesday. I went and bought a monitor so that we could listen for Judah from the comfort of our bed. Everything started okay, I could hear incredibly well, which I wasn't expecting, through the obnoxious buzzing. Only later would I realize the rustling didn't mean he was falling out of bed and the coughing didn't mean he was choking to death. I really am paranoid, though I try so hard to seem normal. By two when he first woke up I'd already been up twenty five times and hadn't managed to nod off once. By five I was dizzy with exhaustion and still hadn't managed to fall asleep. So, when the five o'clock wake up came I grabbed the bottle, put Judah in with Eric, strong armed his mattress into our room and gave it a permanent home at the foot of our bed. I then turned off the evil monitor, feeling confident I'd hear him if he needed me and fell into a deep blissful sleep for three hours. Then my day began.
I know that having him in our room isn't the end goal, but I am a baby step person. For now it's enough that he's out of our bed and, as amazing as this is, without the option to nurse at hand he's started to wake only once a night! Oh my goodness, I can't describe the beauty of an almost whole night sleep! It means I can start and finish a dream, now there's something to be thankful for.
You'd think somewhere in this I'd have advice for others attempting the same process. I guess, try vanilla milk, but really I think that when it's right it just clicks. It's one of the many things of parenting that doesn't really have a set 'way'. But in its time, at the right time, it'll pull together. Until then, just enjoy the little face that's being nourished by your body, the breath against your skin and the smell of their sweet baby self. It's a joy.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
the mental instability of pregnancy.
Nothing like waiting until the last minute, huh. It's been an interesting week and there's definitely not been a shortage of things to mention. However, now at almost ten on this Saturday evening you are left to the intricacies of my wandering mind.
First, it's incredibly difficult when you change a one year old's schedule. We just fought for the last hour and a half to get him to sleep. Finally, he succumbed, but not before he made sure we knew how ticked he was. We've been out late the last few nights and he's been falling asleep in the car before we could get home. No more of that. Poor guy. It's so hard to know how to deal with the screaming, head banging, hiccuping fits. I'm sure there's a book out there on the perfect way to handle such things, but tonight we didn't have it and had to muddle our way through. Hopefully he won't be permanently scarred as he fell into a shuddering sleep.
Second, going to a baby shower is an exciting thing when you're pregnant and a stay at home mom. Especially when they're scheduled at night by beautiful, stylish friends and feel more like a night out then a weird brunch, tasting scary things in diapers. I was invited to one this week and due to a number of disasters managed to only stay for about ten minutes, then make a very awkward exit. Thank pregnancy and a husband who ended up working late and not making it home in time to babysit. I had dressed up, put on real make up (whoa) felt very good about myself, dressed my little guy and arrived a half hour late. Hey, such is life at this stage. I fixed my plate of yummy cheese, bread and quiche and settled in to catch up with friends. Judah had found the one other child his age and was surprisingly occupied. I actually thought I'd be able to finish a thought.
The feeling of being able to relax and enjoy my evening lasted only a brief moment. A sharp, searing pain raced across my abdomen, like the kind of gas that sends you shrieking to the hospital sure you're about to die at any moment. I asked where the bathroom was, a question, I normally try to find out before I'm racing for it with my hand over my mouth. It really was too late at this point. I awkwardly made it to the restroom twice before realizing it just wasn't going to happen this night and made my excuses. I paused longingly at the door as I left, just wanting to go back inside and pretend to be a normal woman and have normal conversations, and a normal thought that would have a start and an end.
Then I took my sweet boy, placed him in the car, found a plastic bag and vomited all the way home. It's an amazing thing that you can become so used to throwing up that you can do it while driving. Not that I recommend it, I just wouldn't have made it home if I didn't. I was sick for literally three hours, I felt like I'd experienced a college hazing gone bad. (Not that any are good) If only you could simulate some of the heinous parts of pregnancy I think you'd really cut back on teen conceptions.
It really was my fault, though. I'd told my husband earlier that day this pregnancy was going so much better than my first, considering I'd only thrown up a handful of times. Famous last words.
Third, simply because a child plays with a toy, screams when he has to leave it and is consistent with this behavior every time he sees it in a store is not a reason to purchase it. Especially when it comes with a days work of assembly. We bought this adorable outdoor playhouse from Costco, certain it would be the answer to our little boy's every hope and dream. Eric worked at putting it together for the better part of today. As soon as he was finished we stood back so that Judah could finally go play, our little parent hearts beating in anticipation for what was sure to be his bliss. He walked in, broke off the faucet, threw the puppets, came out, looked at it and went and played with some rocks. My poor husband looked like he would cry. But, what can you do, besides your best. Hopefully it will get more use, if not from Judah, I'm sure his cousins will have a blast.
It's been an amazing week. The air has been clear and bright. The trees have blossomed and green leaves have forced their heads in a wave of early springtime joy. Tomorrow it's supposed to rain and I can't even feel disappointed. It's been one of those elusive glimpses that come in the middle of winter to remind you that soon summer and watermelon and lazy days at the lake will be here. Until then we need the rain. Just like in pregnancy and parenting we need the hard times. They make the good, the heart stopping moment when your child lays his head on your shoulder, runs to you, laughs like he'll never stop, all the more sweet. Only the pain of labor can bring forth the most perfect being and the trials of pregnancy that can cement your heart in love for this child, this person created through you, that nothing can seperate.
To all in this stage, either pregnant or parenting while it may feel an endurance at times, it is a joy that will always be treasured, remembered, clung to. As we all know, and hold tight to, this time is fleeting.
13 weeks tomorrow.
First, it's incredibly difficult when you change a one year old's schedule. We just fought for the last hour and a half to get him to sleep. Finally, he succumbed, but not before he made sure we knew how ticked he was. We've been out late the last few nights and he's been falling asleep in the car before we could get home. No more of that. Poor guy. It's so hard to know how to deal with the screaming, head banging, hiccuping fits. I'm sure there's a book out there on the perfect way to handle such things, but tonight we didn't have it and had to muddle our way through. Hopefully he won't be permanently scarred as he fell into a shuddering sleep.
Second, going to a baby shower is an exciting thing when you're pregnant and a stay at home mom. Especially when they're scheduled at night by beautiful, stylish friends and feel more like a night out then a weird brunch, tasting scary things in diapers. I was invited to one this week and due to a number of disasters managed to only stay for about ten minutes, then make a very awkward exit. Thank pregnancy and a husband who ended up working late and not making it home in time to babysit. I had dressed up, put on real make up (whoa) felt very good about myself, dressed my little guy and arrived a half hour late. Hey, such is life at this stage. I fixed my plate of yummy cheese, bread and quiche and settled in to catch up with friends. Judah had found the one other child his age and was surprisingly occupied. I actually thought I'd be able to finish a thought.
The feeling of being able to relax and enjoy my evening lasted only a brief moment. A sharp, searing pain raced across my abdomen, like the kind of gas that sends you shrieking to the hospital sure you're about to die at any moment. I asked where the bathroom was, a question, I normally try to find out before I'm racing for it with my hand over my mouth. It really was too late at this point. I awkwardly made it to the restroom twice before realizing it just wasn't going to happen this night and made my excuses. I paused longingly at the door as I left, just wanting to go back inside and pretend to be a normal woman and have normal conversations, and a normal thought that would have a start and an end.
Then I took my sweet boy, placed him in the car, found a plastic bag and vomited all the way home. It's an amazing thing that you can become so used to throwing up that you can do it while driving. Not that I recommend it, I just wouldn't have made it home if I didn't. I was sick for literally three hours, I felt like I'd experienced a college hazing gone bad. (Not that any are good) If only you could simulate some of the heinous parts of pregnancy I think you'd really cut back on teen conceptions.
It really was my fault, though. I'd told my husband earlier that day this pregnancy was going so much better than my first, considering I'd only thrown up a handful of times. Famous last words.
Third, simply because a child plays with a toy, screams when he has to leave it and is consistent with this behavior every time he sees it in a store is not a reason to purchase it. Especially when it comes with a days work of assembly. We bought this adorable outdoor playhouse from Costco, certain it would be the answer to our little boy's every hope and dream. Eric worked at putting it together for the better part of today. As soon as he was finished we stood back so that Judah could finally go play, our little parent hearts beating in anticipation for what was sure to be his bliss. He walked in, broke off the faucet, threw the puppets, came out, looked at it and went and played with some rocks. My poor husband looked like he would cry. But, what can you do, besides your best. Hopefully it will get more use, if not from Judah, I'm sure his cousins will have a blast.
It's been an amazing week. The air has been clear and bright. The trees have blossomed and green leaves have forced their heads in a wave of early springtime joy. Tomorrow it's supposed to rain and I can't even feel disappointed. It's been one of those elusive glimpses that come in the middle of winter to remind you that soon summer and watermelon and lazy days at the lake will be here. Until then we need the rain. Just like in pregnancy and parenting we need the hard times. They make the good, the heart stopping moment when your child lays his head on your shoulder, runs to you, laughs like he'll never stop, all the more sweet. Only the pain of labor can bring forth the most perfect being and the trials of pregnancy that can cement your heart in love for this child, this person created through you, that nothing can seperate.
To all in this stage, either pregnant or parenting while it may feel an endurance at times, it is a joy that will always be treasured, remembered, clung to. As we all know, and hold tight to, this time is fleeting.
13 weeks tomorrow.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
trail and error
It's an interesting life that watching movies creates for oneself. There was a point in my life where I'd watch movies and crave the romance, the act of falling in love. Being desired in such a wonderful way that can only be portrayed on screen. Then, I did. I fell in love and it had it's big screen moments, but it also came with the reality that they don't show when the credits are rolling. The times when you each let the other down or things get hard and it's not all rosy and wonderful, the moments you wonder what in the world was I thinking and all you want to do is walk away. But, vows, or security, or fear, or faithfulness, or children, or money, or something keeps you from leaving.
I was married for three months to this man I'd known for less than a year when we found out we were having our first child. To say it rocked our world or continues to is an understatement. The first doctor I saw asked if I wanted a abortion simply because when she asked how long I'd been married I said three months. I guess in the real world that's not enough time to want a child. We definitely weren't planning to start a family so quickly, but we all know the moments we don't take every precaution. Things happen. Now I can't imagine not having my beautiful little boy laughing as he runs to me, kissing me, calling me mama, pointing at my stomach and asking, 'baby'.
It took a long time to fall in love with this new life. I can't say that it came naturally. I'd always wanted to be a mom, but I thought I'd work after having a baby. Then I gave birth and I couldn't do it, I couldn't leave his side, I couldn't trust anyone with protecting, teaching, training my little guy. It took me a long time to learn to love the stay at home mom thing. To embrace it not as a job or a chore or a wasted life, but an opportunity to embrace each sticky hug and laugh while getting dirty. I don't like to get dirty, I can't stand not showering, I like to be professional, beautiful, polished. . . Somewhere along the line that all fell away. There will be a day sooner than I'd like that I'll return to the working world and be all of the things I gave up to be home each day watching elmo and making pancakes, wondering at the complexities of a daisy. It's not much of a sacrifice even when for a little while it seemed the hardest choice I'd make.
Now we're in this. Full on, hands up, no looking back. We decided to have another baby, if I'm going to do it, I'll do it completely. We're creating a family. It's beautiful, messy, wonderful, all the things you think of when you think of romance and not any of them at all. I fell into marriage with the perfect man for me and couldn't be more thankful with the way things turned out. It is a crazy life, but it is full of joys.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
week 10.5
This is my first pregnancy blog. It's exciting and slightly intimidating to write about something that so many women have endured! However, I feel that there's always room for a new thought now and then, an old reminder and a continuance of encouragement to those who are pregnant. I named this blog pregnancy joys which may be slightly fallacious, en lieu of the morning sickness, bone weary exhaustion, memory loss, muscle aches, weight gain and all of the other things that come with the simple little plus sign. However, there is so much joy in pregnancy and birth and raising children. What an honor to be permitted into this circle and discuss all that we may go through in this short, never ending period of our lives.
This is my second pregnancy which is already so different than my first. I have a beautiful 16 month old little boy, which at least lends to the belief that there's a light at the end of this tunnel. No I will not be pregnant forever and it is all worth it. Even in the midst of running to the toilet bowl there's something powerful in the growth of new life.
I am not one of those women who holds pregnancy as the most exalted time of their lives. I feel I need to get this out of the way early in this blog. While I greatly admire women who make carrying a child into this Grecian god-like experience, it has not been true for me. Pregnancy is definitely an enduring for me, a marking to the end. My body is not my favorite, I do not feel great, I'm tired, hormonal, and very excited about birthing and then the ability to nurse and get my body back.
There must be a brain malfunctioning that happens when women decide that they want to go ahead and try for another baby. This is not for you glorious pregnant women. I actually forgot the misery and morning sickness that lasts all day. I do not know where my head was when my husband started talking about wanting another. I agreed, yes, it would be wonderful, yes, Judah needs a friend, okay, why not! We didn't expect to get pregnant quite as quickly as we did. We'd just agreed to stop prohibiting the sperm and egg from being buddies and boom they said 'hey let's fall in love and make babies'! Hence the plus sign at the end of a long day of nausea. I am excited, despite living in one of the hottest places in the world and dreading the thought of summer, soon my little boy will have a friend. And. I will discover if it is actually possible to love another the way I love my son. I hear that it happens, the miracle of birth and holding your new baby just makes your heart swell, but at this moment I cannot believe that I could ever love another little thing the way I love my boy. It's exciting. Though if this miracle doesn't happen I guess I'll just have to give it away. It's not right to grow up in a loveless family. I am being facetious. The thought will only cross my mind. I more than likely won't act on it. No, I'm sure that this miracle is already beginning and as I couldn't imagine the love a mother has for her child I can't imagine feeling it twice. What a blessing, joy and honor!
I am excited to journey through the next seven months with you and I hope that you are enjoying the delight of this time or cuddling close to your new bundle remembering and thanking God you are out of this season. I look forward to posting each week as my body grows and changes and blunders through.
Blessings to you.
This is my second pregnancy which is already so different than my first. I have a beautiful 16 month old little boy, which at least lends to the belief that there's a light at the end of this tunnel. No I will not be pregnant forever and it is all worth it. Even in the midst of running to the toilet bowl there's something powerful in the growth of new life.
I am not one of those women who holds pregnancy as the most exalted time of their lives. I feel I need to get this out of the way early in this blog. While I greatly admire women who make carrying a child into this Grecian god-like experience, it has not been true for me. Pregnancy is definitely an enduring for me, a marking to the end. My body is not my favorite, I do not feel great, I'm tired, hormonal, and very excited about birthing and then the ability to nurse and get my body back.
There must be a brain malfunctioning that happens when women decide that they want to go ahead and try for another baby. This is not for you glorious pregnant women. I actually forgot the misery and morning sickness that lasts all day. I do not know where my head was when my husband started talking about wanting another. I agreed, yes, it would be wonderful, yes, Judah needs a friend, okay, why not! We didn't expect to get pregnant quite as quickly as we did. We'd just agreed to stop prohibiting the sperm and egg from being buddies and boom they said 'hey let's fall in love and make babies'! Hence the plus sign at the end of a long day of nausea. I am excited, despite living in one of the hottest places in the world and dreading the thought of summer, soon my little boy will have a friend. And. I will discover if it is actually possible to love another the way I love my son. I hear that it happens, the miracle of birth and holding your new baby just makes your heart swell, but at this moment I cannot believe that I could ever love another little thing the way I love my boy. It's exciting. Though if this miracle doesn't happen I guess I'll just have to give it away. It's not right to grow up in a loveless family. I am being facetious. The thought will only cross my mind. I more than likely won't act on it. No, I'm sure that this miracle is already beginning and as I couldn't imagine the love a mother has for her child I can't imagine feeling it twice. What a blessing, joy and honor!
I am excited to journey through the next seven months with you and I hope that you are enjoying the delight of this time or cuddling close to your new bundle remembering and thanking God you are out of this season. I look forward to posting each week as my body grows and changes and blunders through.
Blessings to you.
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