trail and error

It's an interesting life that watching movies creates for oneself.  There was a point in my life where I'd watch movies and crave the romance, the act of falling in love.  Being desired in such a wonderful way that can only be portrayed on screen.  Then, I did.  I fell in love and it had it's big screen moments, but it also came with the reality that they don't show when the credits are rolling.  The times when you each let the other down or things get hard and it's not all rosy and wonderful, the moments you wonder what in the world was I thinking and all you want to do is walk away.  But, vows, or security, or fear, or faithfulness, or children, or money, or something keeps you from leaving.  

I was married for three months to this man I'd known for less than a year when we found out we were having our first child.  To say it rocked our world or continues to is an understatement.  The first doctor I saw asked if I wanted a abortion simply because when she asked how long I'd been married I said three months.   I guess in the real world that's not enough time to want a child.  We definitely weren't planning to start a family so quickly, but we all know the moments we don't take every precaution.  Things happen.  Now I can't imagine not having my beautiful little boy laughing as he runs to me, kissing me, calling me mama, pointing at my stomach and asking, 'baby'.  

It took a long time to fall in love with this new life.  I can't say that it came naturally.  I'd always wanted to be a mom, but I thought I'd work after having a baby.  Then I gave birth and I couldn't do it, I couldn't leave his side, I couldn't trust anyone with protecting, teaching, training my little guy.  It took me a long time to learn to love the stay at home mom thing.  To embrace it not as a job or a chore or a wasted life, but an opportunity to embrace each sticky hug and laugh while getting dirty.  I don't like to get dirty, I can't stand not showering, I like to be professional, beautiful, polished. . . Somewhere along the line that all fell away.  There will be a day sooner than I'd like that I'll return to the working world and be all of the things I gave up to be home each day watching elmo and making pancakes, wondering at the complexities of a daisy.  It's not much of a sacrifice even when for a little while it seemed the hardest choice I'd make.  

Now we're in this.  Full on, hands up, no looking back.  We decided to have another baby, if I'm going to do it, I'll do it completely.  We're creating a family.  It's beautiful, messy, wonderful, all the things you think of when you think of romance and not any of them at all.  I fell into marriage with the perfect man for me and couldn't be more thankful with the way things turned out.  It is a crazy life, but it is full of joys.